My Mother & The Birds and The Bees talk

Today I called home and actually had an argument-free phone conversation wth ALL of my family members. No yelling, no whining, no bad news (or at least nothing new) and miraculously no exchange of angry words. The fact that the conversations were pleasant was merely a bonus. The only awkwardness

Mom started cooing about how I will always be her "baby girl". "But, Mom", I protested, "I've been taller and bustier than you since I was thirteen." We started talking about my internship, her colleagues, my recent trip to San Francisco when she suddenly dropped the bomb on me.

"So, what is your relationship like with people?"

"Erm... good?"

"OK. Good. Now. What is your...*dramatic pause* relationship status?"

"You mean if I'm seeing someone?"

Yes, I'm seeing someone. No he is not staying with me, yes he's nice, no he's not Pakistani (I don't know where this came from), he's Indian. Anything else you wanna know? NO? Are you sure? And no mom, I don't smoke cigarettes.

"Are you sure you don't smoke?"

"Yes"

"Yes, you mean you smoke?"

"NO I DON'T SMOKE".

"Have you tried smoking?"


And so my mother veers into this strange cross examination about my smoking/nonsmoking status, varying the same question in the past tense, present tense, present continuous, future tense and suddenly without warning she drops bomb #2. First Hiroshima, now Nagasaki.

"Are you still a VIRGIN?"

"Mom, that's a personal question".

"Well...? Are you still... a V?"

I couldn't believe we were having this conversation. For as long as I remember we have never even came close to talking about the birds and the bees. Even when World War III erupted at home when I was allegedly dating someone who is of a different color, my mother continued to pretend like boys didn't exist, that there is no such thing as boyfriends, crushes, infatuations, sex appeal etc. How am I suppose to say anything in the matter of relationships to someone who says "V" in place of "virgin"?

"Well have you slept with him? Are you staying with him?"

It was absurd that she would think I would come clean and spill my life's details when the most intimate thing my mother and I have ever disclosed to each other was perhaps our weight. I laughed it off , told her it was private information and after a bit more small talk, the phone gets passed on to some other member of the family.

I have a feeling this isn't the last of it I will hear from my mom about my sex/love life. But maybe next time, she would approach the subject with a more normal question. Like "So, what's his name?"